Violet and other Pug Tails: Best Man Speech

For anyone who missed it or would like to hear it again, here is the transcript from the Best Man Speech I gave a Travis' reception last night.

Good Evening. It’s wonderful to see so many people here to support Jessi and Travis as they begin their new life together; or like me, you’re just here for the free meal. Either way, for those of you who don’t know me, my name is Shane and I’m Travis’ brother; so not only is this speech going to be grossly slanted towards prodding the groom, you’ll also get some intimate details of Travis’ life not even Jessi is aware of. I want to make it clear up front. All the stories I am about to disclose are true, save one; I leave it to the listener to determine which.

To begin with, I’d like to tell you about a conversation that happened out on Saginaw Bay, amidst the brief downtime from catching many fish, during Travis’ bachelor wife-approved expedition. Everyone was riffing on Travis, standard hazing, nothing drastic; when Captain Dan, that’s the man driving the boat for those here unfamiliar with fancy nautical terms, asked Travis, “What do you want from your marriage?” Travis thought for a second and said, “I’d like to be a model husband, a model citizen and a model lover.” Captain Dan was a little confused by the use of the word “model”, so I deftly retrieved the definition on my iPhone. This is what it said, “model: a small miniature replica of the real thing.”

Now, for those of you who don’t know Travis so well, I’ve assembled four fun facts to quickly get you acquainted with Jessi’s new husband.

Fact #1: Travis’ bowels tend to relax in a warm bath. I’m still scarred from childhood; and no mom, just because he was a toddler does not make it acceptable, I was in the tub too!

Fact #2: Travis “Dragon Breath” Emmons was awarded the honor of “Dork of the Year” in 1991. Our neighbor David and I found this extremely funny, though my parents did not. Years later the document forgery techniques I used to create the certificate really helped when report cards came home.

Fact #3: On two separate occasions, Travis has attempted to imitate a hamster and run inside the Water Wheel in Frankenmuth. I use the word attempted because to have actually done something, successfully, you should not come out looking like you were on the receiving end of a Mike Tyson uppercut.

Fact #4: Travis has passed out on his throne, fallen forward, smashed his head into a towel bar and been taken to the emergency room to get stitches. When telling Jessi about this, she was shocked. Through all of her experience as a nurse, she had only heard of this happening to the elderly.

Despite all that, Travis really is a great brother, son, friend, uncle and now husband. Talking with my family the other day, I really couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t there. He is generous, kind and has taught me how to better accept others. Since being with Jessi, I have watched as he pushed away his old vices and became the man he is today. I am proud to call him my brother, and I wish him and Jessi all the happiness a marriage can bring.